I sometimes hate myself

Lovelies I have not been here in a while.

I feel like I failed my diet and my self. I don't feel good for some reason. I feel like complete shit. UGh I wanna throw up because I feel like I am a PIG..I can't do it again though since it has been years but oh my god people don't understand what I am feeling right now.
I hate that I don't do things perfect. If I fail I have to start all over and for some reason I am not letting myself start my diet over. If I do I will want to start "Monday" and that is not going to happen because I might purge or just starve myself. I can't let my ED come back to me because I will hit depression again and hurt me.
I don't feel like I have an ED right now , even though I think about it all the time. Maybe I do and I am in denial like I was years ago.
I hate feeling full though I love feeling hungry, to me it feels like I did something right and I am getting tinnier and tinnier.
I guess I need to just cry it out and let it go. But every time I see a big big big woman walking around here at work I feel like I am like that. I feel I am that huge and disgusting. That is why I don't eat in front of people I HATE IT!!!
Sorry for this but I need to let it out before I cry at work. I will update later
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful
Danii

And the little girl thought she was perfect 'till he stop loving her...

Day 6:

IN:
1226
OUT:
761
NET:
465

Yes, I went over my calories by 126. I am not mad believe it or not. I was proud of myself for going to the gym and burning 761 calories. I knew I went over and I did something about it.
We ate pizza today so that is why I went over. We got thin crust and the slices were tiny YAY!! but still I should of just ate one tiny one instead of 3. But I had to eat because people were over and they tent to pay attention to every detail UGH!!
Anyways, I forgot to check my weight today and now I am just waiting till Monday to check. I want to lose at least 5 pounds by the end of this month.
I know it is going to take a while to get to my UGW but I just want to be thin already. I want perfect like I really do and it seems like it will never get there. I know I just have to keep following my new life style, work out and limit my calories. I am not giving up though because I really want this and I know it will not happen if I just sit on the couch doing nothing.
I felt so good while working out today because I usually don't work out on the weekends. The most I do is walk the dogs and/or do yoga. I love Yoga by the way.

A LITTLE HISTORY ABOUT ME:
I love love love Angelina Jolie. She is my favorite actress of all time. I have seen pretty much every single one of her movies. I love the one, with Johny Depp (He is my Favorite actor by the way), The Tourist. She looks so amazing in that movie. Me and the Bestie could not stop saying how thin and gorgeous she looked and how we wish we can be that tiny.
I also like Megan Fox, as a model and thinspo not as an actress. I don't think she is a good actress but that girl can take some amazing pictures. She is my thinspo. She is around my height and the way I want my body to look when I get to my UGW.

My dating life always sux. I think it is because I have never been comfortable with myself so I never really wanted to date. The few guys I did date sucked ass. The last one is the worse because he still to this day sends me stupid signals. One day he is into me the next he tells me he is in love with his girlfriend.
I am annoyed by him all the time but I can't seem to get myself to stop talking to him.
I also use to have a best best friend that we known each other since we were kids. I stop talking to her because she was always trying to be me and take everything that was mine. When I was extreme with my diet to a point where it was an ED, she started to say oh I am ana because I didn't eat yesterday. UMM bitch being ana is more than "not eating for one day" but she never understood and it drove me crazy. Oh she also tried to steal the last guy I dated. Yea what a good best friend.

Wow sorry for the long post. I just felt like sharing today :)
Much luv lovelies and stay strong
Danii

Very needed sleep...

Day 5 Cont.:

D: a few bites of Subway
Strawberries

IN:
930 CALORIES

WORKOUT:
Elliptical: 15 minutes
Treadmill-10% incline @ 4mph: 16mins
Bike: 14mins
Treadmill- 4% incline @ 4mph: 10

OUT:
620 calories
NET:
310 Calories

I got some much needed sleep last night. I went to bed around 8pm and just got up at 12pm this afternoon. I am feeling soooo much better to. My throat doesn't hurt anymore YAY!! and my head ache is going away.
After my little melt down over the food I ate, I was told we were going to subway. I just got a foot long but only ate a few bites. I made sure they were little bites to. I also had some strawberries, which made me feel better :)
I worked out like a mad woman yesterday. I wanted to burn the enchiladas and some extra. My friend was like wow you seriously want to burn that shit haha :) Only she (and all of you lovelies) understand me.
Thank you Zane. You always know how to make me feel better. And its true, it wasn't empty calories but something that is good for you.
Today I will be home pretty much all day. My mum is making dinner and I believe its some spaghetti with salad. I will be added twice the amount of salad than normal. Today is Day 6 and its 1100 calories. Wow that kinda seems a lot but I will try. I don't think I am use to eating that much. Even yesterday seemed like a lot. Today I don't think I will work out. I might do some yoga and walk my dogs.
Okay lovelies I will try my hardest to read everyone's blogs 'cause I miss them.
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful

Read the Labels B4 you eat....

I am sooooooo stupid. I honestly ALWAYS read the food label but for some reason I miss this one. I saw 240 calories for two yummy Amy's enchiladas. I was putting it on my food counter and OMG IT WAS 4fucken80 CALORIES!! 480 for two enchiladas. O my God I feel stupid. WHY the hell did I not check?
Just when I thought I would not let food control me, I let my hunger blind me. OMG I really am stupid. I can't believe I did that.
Day 5: 950 calories

B: Smoothie 
90 Calories 
Snack:Pita w/ tuna
Grapes
216 calories
L: Amy's Enchilada dinner 
480 calories 

So the total so far is 787. I am very mad right now because I thought I was doing good. I will be going to the gym in like 45 minutes. I am going to work out hard. I really feel dumb right now. I am so disappointed that I wanna cry. Everyone laughed at me when I got mad but I don't think it is funny. It was horrible, very. 
Okay I needed to let that out because I got mad and I didn't know what to do but just write it all in my Diary. 
I will be back later on today. I don't even wanna eat any more. I know I got some calories left but still I am done. UGH but I remembered my friends want to go out today and that usually means a buffet. God I hate buffets. I will just get salad. 
Much luv and stay beautiful
 

Baby loves to dance in the dark...

Day 4:
B: Strawberry and Banana smoothie
TOTAL: 240
S: Grapes
Rice Cake
TOTAL:113
L: Baked Beans
A bite of BBQ Beef Sandwich
TOTAL:140
D: Smart Ones Turkey
Smart Ones Dessert:
1/2 soup
5oz Sprite
TOTAL:997 calories

Work Out:
Treadmill 13 min mile
Bike 5 min mile
Elliptical 16 mins
TOTAL: -383

NET: 614 Calories. 

Today was the first day(this week) I ate a lot and not worked out that much. I only did a little work out because I was so sick I could barely get out of bed. I didn't do my morning work out and I was mad after class that I just did a little one.
I think I am going to do some belly dancing in a bit. For some reason I want to dance my azz off (literally). Okay so I just noticed I am so behind on my Cal 1 homework. EEKK! I am going to do it tomorrow. 
The plan is after work (12:30pm) I will go work out for an hour. Then I will go study and do some homework. Next I will work out another hour and then maybe study some more and then go home.
Everyone was telling me I look so tired. I am, very very tired. I only sleep 4 hours because I have bad insomnia and I am super sick. 
As I type this I am starting to fall asleep. Ugh should I do Belly Dancing? I really want to. Maybe some sit ups and pilates will be better. 
I still have not read any of my lovelies' blogs. I feel soooo bad not reading them. I feel like I am not in touch with everyone. I will take a moment of my time to do so tomorrow. At work I might be able to do that. 
Okay loves I will leave you with some flat bellies. OMG I been so obsess with them...
Much Luv and stay beautiful 

Working Out While Being Sick...

DAY 3:


IN: 
B: Apple

S: Hand full of popcorn

L: 1.5 flour tortilla w/ 2tbsp of beans and rice. Salsa and 1 tbsp of avocado (smash) 

D: Chicken w/ two bites of mash potatoes and mac and cheese. 

TOTAL: 900 Calories

OUT:

Treadmill: 15 minutes

Bike: 6 minutes

Elliptical: 15 minutes

Stair Climber: 5 minutes
TOTAL: -397


NET: 503 calories


I was a busy bee today again. It is only the 3rd day back from spring break and oh my God I am so busy. I was running around all day. I didn't take the elevator because I wanted to burn the extra calories. I was being super lazy with my work out. I have a good reason, I promise, I been feeling under the weather for a while but it really hit me today. 

I woke up with a very sore throat which sucks because I hate the feeling of my throat hurting. I was so close of not going to my morning work out but I got my lazy fat azz off my bed. hehe. 
Okay I don't know what is with me lately but I have been hearing people talk about weight lost, diets, ED, ect. Okay today someone from work was saying that the food we are eating (my lunch was free because of some work thing) is okay for a person on a diet as long as they don't eat the meat. (I was thinking OMG I am so not eating this shit. I ended up just having a small amount of it. It ended up being 325 calories for lunch.)
Okay back to the point, I said but what if you really want to be a size 2 as soon as possible. She said well we still gotta eat. I don't know why but that kinda made me feel like an ass. I can't explain it but it felt like they were making me feel bad (with out them knowing) about eating so little. I love eating very little. I love the power that I am having over food and over my life and I don't need anyone to tell me (or in a way not tell me specifically) that what I am doing is wrong. 
Okay my lovelies I am so sorry about that but I was holding to that ALLLL day. 

Well tomorrow is DAY 4 and I believe that its 1000 calories. I was thinking that that is a lot of calories. I will see if I even eat that much. I already have my meals plan and so far its like 500 calories. That includes Breakfast, snacks and Lunch. Usually dinner is around 300 calories. I might just stay there and see how it goes. Maybe have a fruit before bed time. We will see how tomorrow goes. 
@Zane hey luv. I am 5'4 1/2 last time I checked. I am short which is why I look like a fat ass (And yet ppl are on my azz because I want to lose weight). Ugh some people. lol. I hope you are doing great with your fast. 
@Aria hey to you to luv. Thank you for your kind words and motivation. People are probably are just jealous because they go to the gym for 15 minutes and eat whatever the hell they want and expect to lose weight. Please not gonna happen. :)
Okay lovelies I will leave you with this for today. I am tired and sick :( I need to get up early to do my work out so I might as well go to bed. I will catch up with every one's blogs tomorrow. 
Much Luv
Danii

Day 2...Dizzy on the gym floor...

Hello all my beauties. Today was such a busy day for me. I was in the process of making a post at work but too many people were around me and didn't give me the chance to finish it.
Okay I am kinda happy. I am now officially off the 160s WOO HOO!! I am 158.8 lbs as of today. I was hoping for a lot less but considering the fact that I was a binge queen half of spring break and no working out, I do not mind. I will lose another 2, at least, by Friday.
Anyways I did a gym work out with the bestie. She is an animal when it comes to working out. I love it because I push myself a lot more. I was super dizzy through out the work out. She thinks its because I don't drink enough water, which makes sense. We also worked out after our 4pm class. We went on a beach run and came back to the gym and did our work out. Man I was tired but it felt AMAZING.


8am till 9:15am workout: 


















Evening Work Out:

We also did Circuit training but I never count that as calorie burned. 
910 is the total all together burned. yay!!


Today the plan was to eat no more than 800 calories and I did it. 

B: 

• 3 bites of Cheerios w/ almond milk

• TOTAL: 50

S: 

• Special K Bar

• Rice Cake (only a few bits)

• Coke Zero

• TOTAL: 120

L: 

• Cheese  
• Quaker Tortillaz
• TOTAL:200

S:

• Special K bars
• Gum 
• Coke Zero
• TOTAL: 95 

D: 

• 3 Strawberries
• Steamed Veggies
• Feta cheese 
• less than half of pita bread
• steamed potatoes only two bites
• 1 tbsp hummus with Wheat Thins (10)
• TOTAL: 330

If my math is right the total was 795 for the day. Goal was no more than 800. 

Math time again:
IN:
795  
OUT:
-910












910-795=  -115 calories.

I have to say I am very happy. I didn't binge and enjoyed some yummy food. I am slowly but surely not letting food control me. I can now say thin taste so much better than any cookie. 
Oh well, some people say I am obsess with calories and working out. People have the nerve to say "Didn't you just work out this morning?"...Okay so what? and what is your point. I get really upset that people make it seem like its bad that I want to lose weight. People complain about obesity and how it is rising, yet I want to be skinny and its a bad thing. 
I am about to take a long shower and do some yoga before I go to bed. Oh and I am also going to catch up with all my lovelies blogs. I usually read them 2 or 4 times a day, I haven't read them at all :(
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful
Danii

Dinner and a Workout...

Hello Lovelies,
I am back from work and from the gym. OH and from grocery shopping. Like I was telling the lovely Rachael, I needed to go grocery shopping for some low calorie food. I actually took a picture of my cart but it got deleted :( lol. its ok though I will do it again next time. I ended up spending 30 dollars, which in reality isn't too bad.
Before I share my list of goodies I have something to say. I had complete will power today. My mum wanted some seafood from a "healthy" chinese buffet. I got her stuff and say the SPRING ROLLS. I love love spring rolls. I got one and put it in her to go box. Ok long story short. I had the food on the passenger side and I was going to grab it and eat it...then I said no no no!!! I am doing too good to fuck it up. So I just blasted my music and totally forgot about it. YES I HAVE WILL POWER!!! hehe. I was thinking, being thin is soooo much better than that spring roll.
OKAY now to the list:

• Rice Cakes (35 calories)
• Special K Bars (90 calories)
• Wheat Thins 16 crackers per serving (140 calories)
• Cheerios 1 cup per serving (100 calories)
• Strawberry and Banana Yogurt (80 calories) 
• 2 small apples (80 calories each)
• Lean Cuisine (200 calories)
• Steamed Corn 2/3 cup per serving (70 calories)
• Steamed Potatoes 1 cup per serving (140 calories)
• 1 gallon of Water (0 calories)
• Beans 1/2 cup per serving (140 calories)

I gotta say I am proud of myself. I didn't look at the cookies or chips. Oh I big woman was looking inside my cart and gave me a weird look. Okay I wanna be skinny bitch do we have a problem? hehe :) I said it to. 

Okay I had dinner today and it was yummy. I had 2 8oz of water before dinner just so I can be really full.

Dinner:

• Lean Cuisine: 200 cal
• 1.80 cups Romaine Lettuce: 18 cal
• 2/3 cup of Steamed Corn: 70
• 1 tsp of Sweat and Sour Sauce: 14.5 cal
• Half Tropicana Trop50: 40 cal
• 6 Wheat thins and 1tablespoon of hummus: 76 cal

Okay math time 
IN:
L:350
S:40
D:419
TOTAL: 809 Calories

OUT:
15 minute treadmill run/job 1.12 mile: -185 cal
15 minute Stair Climber 1.10 mile:  -160
5 minute Bike 1.10 mile: -40 
TOTAL: 424 calories

Wow I did pretty good today. I will not eat anything else today. I love that number. I was thinking about getting a piercing like the pick on the right. Not the belly ring but the other one. So I will make sure my belly will look like that. I am still thinking about the piercing though. Either a piercing or tattoo. I will see once my belly is that flat. It will happen. I might do yoga today. I really want to because I didn't get a chance to do it this morning but I have a paper to do UGH 5 pages due tomorrow. 
Okay my brother is coming and I don't want him to see this
Much luv and stay beautiful  

DAY 1 (again)..Empty tummy means Flat tummy

Ok I will make this short because I am at work. MAN first day after a week of spring break...Oh how I miss spring break...lol...

Ok today I didn't eat breakfast because I didn't have much time so I am okay with calories so far.

Lunch:

• 3oz of meat (which was not my cup of tea)
• 2 tortillas w/ salsa and some ketchup(don't ask lol)
• Coke Zero

Lunch Total: 350 calories

Snack: I had a little snack today at work because I don't want people to think I don't eat and I will explain why in a bit.

• Fruit snacks: 40 calories

So I am still following my diet of 900 calories (day 1). I think I will include my fruit and veggies with it though because they do add up and I don't want my total intake to be over 1000 because of it.
I didn't do yoga or my morning workout today which makes me very mad.
I am working out after work so I will make up for it and I will do yoga before I go to sleep.
Today, my friend, who is kinda like me when it comes to food and stuff, told me a while ago that she had to go talk to a therapist about her "problem", as she stated. A person I work wit was very worried about her and she contacted her parents and they decided it was time for her to get some help.
She didn't tell me much since I was at work but she didn't look too happy about it. WOW I can not let that happen to me ever.
I don't need to talk to a therapist about "my problems" and I know my friend feels the same way.

Okay lovelies I will post more later
Much Luv and stay beautiful

The juice that makes me sick...

I decided I will do this diet for the six weeks challenge and it will also stop me from binging all spring and probably all summer.
Today I will eat 1000 calories though because my mum made me drink some nasty prune juice which was 360 calories for 16oz. OMG!!! I know it is horrible but it will help clean my system so I am not mad at her. (I know TMI sorry)
To get rid of the nasty after taste I ate half a mandarin orange (25 calories)
So lets do the math here 550+385=935 calories so far.
So dinner, not going to happen. I will munch on some fruit. Watermelon or a few blueberries.YUM!!
I am going to weigh myself tomorrow because my school's gym has a good scale that doesn't lie to me. I promise I will weight myself only once tomorrow.
Also I love reading other people's blogs. This is going to sound dorky but I feel like I am not alone. Yes I have a bestie that feels like I do but she is the only one I know like me. At least blogging I see other lovely girls that know what I am feeling. THANKZ for sharing girls.
Aww I miss surfing. I will start doing that once I lose a bit more weight. I want to be in my 140s before I get even close to a bikini.
I miss the beach though. I love that my front yard is the beach but hate that my fat is stopping me from enjoying it.
People outside this world just don't understand how this can take over and you live with this on your everyday life. While they pig out on hamburgers and fries. I drink my Diet Coke, knowing that it will not be inside me as fat. While others are sitting on their sofa watching skinny people on t.v. I am at the gym trying to be those skinny people they are watching.
I am sorry for the venting but I am sick and tired of people saying your not even fat your not skinny but you are not fat. Okay that does not make me feel any better. That is why when I got home I worked out for three hours straight and skipped dinner. That is why I wear clothes that show nothing. That is why I sleep instead of eat.

We are all human and we all judge, even though we don't want to. I just wish people didn't judge me so harshly. I wish people understand why I am the way I am. I wish people stop saying I am "not that fat yet not skinny". Sometimes words can cut a lot deeper than a knife. and that scare is harder to fade and go away.
I wish everyone happiness and lots lots of luv.and I hope you will understand how I feel.
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful

Day 1 starts a day early...

So Spring is here and it feels so so good. I woke up late again. Yes that is no bueno. I think I have to stop being lazy and get my azz to the gym. When I work out I feel so much better and so much lighter. Right now I don't feel fat or like a pig for some reason.
What I ate so far:
Lunch: 

•  3 cups of Romaine Lettuce
• 4 small chicken Enchiladas
• 1 small chicken Taco
• Coke Zero 
• TOTAL: 560 calories  

Ok now that I wrote it down, it seems like a lot. Oh my God its a lot. Okay I can only eat 1000 calories today. So I have 450 left. I plan to have a smoothie for dinner and it is most likely going to be around 300 calories. I have a Greek Yogurt in my fridge and it is about to expire and it was too much money to let that happen. Dang thing is 150 fucken calories..I don't know what I was thinking. I might just use half and give other have to mum. 
Also I freaken love Coke Zero. No calories and it totally kills my sugar craving. I don't care what my friends say, I will continue to drink it. I don't want to get fat because of regular soda. 
I hope no binging pledge is still on for every one that is doing it. I am doing the best I can and as I write this I still haven't finished my Lunch, which means I will most likely not eat the whole thing WOO HOO!!
Also I was thinking about doing this diet. Has any one done it? 

or...

Much Luv and Stay Beautiful

And my weight is....

I can not believe I posted my weight for the whole world to see. I think it was necessary though. I will look at it everyday and start to realize that I need to be a lot more serious about this.
I can't let food control me anymore. I want control, I need control.
I made a pledge to not binge at all for the lovely days of Spring. I made this pledge with Zane (Blog Click Here). She came up with this great idea to start fresh and let spring be binge free. I think it is so great because I fucked up too many times and I let my weight get out of control. Thankz love for letting me be apart of this :HUGS:

Ok so my weight is embarrassing I mean I feel like a pig, well mostly because I AM. 160 wtf?!?!?!
OK I will not think about it even though I am in tears right now. Yes I am doing this post crying, how sad is that?
I will not fuck up and I will NOT let food be my drug that seems to take control...
I want to be happy. Like not fake happy but really happy.

Ok Spring I am ready for you I hope you are ready for me....
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful

I will leave with some beautiful pictures of my favorite model Natasha Poly...God she is Gorgeous

And she wears her hair up because she thinks she is fat....

Today I started the day  pretty late. I have been having trouble sleeping lately and I think its because I haven't worked out in a week. UGH that is soooo bad. I gotta say I love school because it keeps me busy and I always work out when I go to school. Some days I even work out twice, which I will be doing starting Monday.
Yes I will wake up at 7am and do some yoga, then go to my school's gym at 8am and work out with my bestie till 9:30am.
Ok before I go on I have a new challenge for my self which I will keep until the end of April. I want to lose 20 pound by the end of  April. Yes, can it happen? I really really hope so :)

SIX WEEKS TO LOSE 20 POUNDS CHALLENGE: 

The rules are simple but yet I have to write it down so I can always look back and remember. I am determine because I don't ever want to wear a sweatshirt to the beach again. Ok wish me luck :)

• Eat no more than 1100 everyday. If I go over subtract the over amount with the next day (i.e. if over 230 calories, 1100-230=870calories for the day)
• Monday and Wednesday Workout Plan:
  7:00am till 7:45am: Yoga
  8:00am till 9:30am: Gym workout w/ Bestie 
• Tuesday and Thursday Workout Plan:
  7:00am till 7:40am: Yoga
  8:00am till 9:15am: Gym workout wit besties
  5:45pm till 6:45pm: Another Gym workout
• Friday Workout Plan:
  45 minute workout
• Eat when hungry not when bored.
• Track every calorie in food diary 
• Write at least one blog post per day
• Weight myself every three days and Measure myself every three days 
• Eat more like a vegetarian and vegan every other day

Okay I really am hoping this works I will post Day 1 on Monday and keep my Diary as updated as possible.
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful

Note: If I add a picture that belongs to you, let me know so I can give credit or remove it. I don't wish to anger anyone and have no problem removing a picture or give credit

Beach, friends, and empty tummy

OOHHHH how I wish I was that tiny. I would of probably taken off my sweat shirt. Yes I wore a sweat shirt to the beach ugh....Okay well I tried not to think too much about my weight and have fun, which I did. One of the boyz was there and it was fun we were play fighting and I was being a lil flirty ;)...Nothing like a good flirt to make a day a lot more brighter. I came to the beach late but it was good because I didn't want a tan just yet. Summer has not even started yet so I have to wait hehe.

Today I ate 2 pizzas w/out the crust and a lot of the bread. I only ate the top layer if that makes sense. I try to cut the calories as much as possible YAY ME!!! I think I ate around 1000 calories today which I am happy. Can you believe I am not even hungry. I can just taste size zero...Once I reach a good weight I will post it here and share. I can't just yet...Just too much ugh..But anyways 

Much Luv and Stay beautiful

Here some thinspo beach

Note: If I add a picture that belongs to you, let me know so I can give credit or remove it. I don't wish to anger anyone and have no problem removing a picture or give credit

Lets get out of the dark and into the light...

Ok I have to say I am pretty happy. I manage to lower my calorie intake to 1200. I don't really remember what I ate(I know bad) but I do remember eating some yummy spring rolls. I think they were around 300 calories but so worth it. They were yummy and I was full for the rest of the day. I had lots of Coke Zero (YAY no calories) and lots of water to keep me full.
I feel bad that I didn't do the liquid fast but don't worry I will.
Tomorrow is the beach party and ugh yea I decided to not wear a bikini. I was driving around the beach and OMG some people should not wear a bikini and I know people will be saying that about me tomorrow. Why put myself through that? I know I will just come home and start to starve myself for days....
So I will leave today with a smile and some thinspo....
Much Luv and stay beautiful

Note: If I add a picture that belongs to you, let me know so I can give credit or remove it. I don't wish to anger anyone and have no problem removing a picture or give credit

Long day and never ending horror....

Today was a long day. Not a bad long day, just a long day.
I started the day with a cup of watermelon and went over the besties house. We needed to start our beach party planning.
We decided to do some bikini shopping, which just between you and I, I was kinda Ugh about it. I have such great friends thu. They said to try on a two piece which I did but I almost started to cry in the dressing room. Like I don't like my body AT ALL. All I saw was fat fat fat!!!
I was thinking no one needs to see this. I started to realize I am sooo ugly like all I want is to be to perfect to feel like I am good enough but it seems like it will never happen.
After that little horror, we went to get some snacks and we shared a bag of hot cheetos (I know bad) but i managed to only eat like 180 calories. Also one of the besties gave me two string cheese (80 calories each). I felt really bad though but again hunger took over me.
Once I got home, my mumz made me quesadilla and a turkey dog. That is when I was like CRAPPPP!!!!
I managed to eat 1300 calories again. But I decided to eat some low fat ice cream. Again my hunger took over. I wish I can stay with my goal of 1000 especially since I haven't been working out.
My bestie is too nice though, saying that we walked around shopping so its still burning calories. So So true :)

Ok well tomorrow is a long day to..
Going to chill with mumz for half the day and the other half going with the besties to the mall. We are going to take a look at hollister jeans and see if we did lose a pant size or two...Crossing fingers.

Much luv and Stay Beautiful

 Note: If I add a picture that belongs to you, let me know so I can give credit or remove it. I don't wish to anger anyone and have no problem removing a picture or give credit

When good isn't good enough...

So I went shopping today with mumz and the good thing she was going most of the shopping because I was not up for it. I saw a cute pair of jeans so I decided to try them on. Can you believe that the size I picked was a bit too big. I was happy but I know it can be wrong since most stores make their sizes bigger than what they are. I only trust Hollister jeans because they seem like they are true to size.
I might go to the mall tomorrow and see if it still true. The reason why I don't share my size is because I don't want to say it out loud UGH I hate my size it really really sux.

I didn't work out like I wanted to. I been so lazy lately and that is not good at all. I don't want to gain all the weight I been losing. To top it all of I ate 1300 cal...I was only planning to only eat 1000. Man I can't believe I have no control.

Tomorrow the plan is to start a liquid fast all the way to Friday.
The reasons are
1. I can detox my body from all the icky stuff
2. I can lose a little weight and look at least some what decent for the beach party on Friday.
Oh yea we are having a beach party Friday for Spring Break. Looking forward to hanging out with my friends but I don't think I will be wearing a swimsuit. Yea not happening. All I can think of is people, especially guys, looking at the fat and ugh no thankz
Okay to end my post here are some pictures....

Note: If I add a picture that belongs to you, let me know so I can give credit or remove it. I don't wish to anger anyone and have no problem removing a picture or give credit

Shopping for new clothes...

Okay as a girl you would think that I like shopping. Don't get me wrong I do but every time I find something cute and so my style, I try it on to only see the imperfections of my body...I haven't worn a swimsuit since my junior year of high school. The only reason I wore a swimsuit is because I was on the swim team.

I hate buying skirts because I feel my thighs are too big...Man I am lucky I wear shorts from time to time.

You see fashion is my thing. I love helping people pick clothes and see their faces when they look at how beautiful they are. Yes I know I should take my own advise but umm yea never happens

Well today I am going shopping and we will see how it goes...I might just go and buy a purse or a tote or luggage that I desperately need for my move coming up.

What I ate so far...

I didn't eat Breakfast
Lunch: Chicken and Rice Soup with some tortilla chips
Mandarin Oranges and a Coke Zero
Total Calories so far 423


I plan to only eat 1000 today since I did soooooo bad yesterday.


I will keep you updated 
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful 

Note: If I add a picture that belongs to you, let me know so I can give credit or remove it. I don't wish to anger anyone and have no problem removing a picture or give credit

To Stop The UnStoppable...

First post and I didn't do too well today..UGH I hate the feeling of failure. I already ate 855cal, not good.
Okay since this is my first post I will explain my goal..

I never been happy with my appearance. I always feel like I am not good enough, and no I don't feel like I have an eating disorder like most may say or think. I just always had an issue with my appearance and always had an issue with food.
Me and food have always been the worse the enemies but the best of friends. Yes we are frenemies. Working out on the other hand we are the best of friends. I love to work out and I tent to over do it sometimes. I try to work out as much as possible. Lately I have been lazy and haven't worked out as much as I should. 

You are probably wondering what my goals are..Well I guess when ever I am happy with myself (when ever that will be).

Today I ate pretty bad and the day isn't even over yet:

Breakfast: 1 French toast:190 

Lunch: Burger patty w/ pita bread and cheese, ketchup and Romaine Lettuce: 520

Snack: Pita chips w/ Hummus: 145 and a Coke Zero: 0

I am cleaning my room today so you can say that will be a work out (hey moving boxes and cleaning burns calories :) haha)

This is my Diary, my little world in which I can express myself and be free from the people that want to change me. I am not happy with my weight, my look or my relationship with food and this is a place for me to be free. If you follow my Diary, I want to say thank you and welcome. I will not judge you and I hope you will do the same and not judge me....
Much Luv and stay beuatiful

 
































Note: If I add a picture that belongs to you, let me know so I can give credit or remove it. I don't wish to anger anyone and have no problem removing a picture or give credit

.