I sometimes hate myself

Lovelies I have not been here in a while.

I feel like I failed my diet and my self. I don't feel good for some reason. I feel like complete shit. UGh I wanna throw up because I feel like I am a PIG..I can't do it again though since it has been years but oh my god people don't understand what I am feeling right now.
I hate that I don't do things perfect. If I fail I have to start all over and for some reason I am not letting myself start my diet over. If I do I will want to start "Monday" and that is not going to happen because I might purge or just starve myself. I can't let my ED come back to me because I will hit depression again and hurt me.
I don't feel like I have an ED right now , even though I think about it all the time. Maybe I do and I am in denial like I was years ago.
I hate feeling full though I love feeling hungry, to me it feels like I did something right and I am getting tinnier and tinnier.
I guess I need to just cry it out and let it go. But every time I see a big big big woman walking around here at work I feel like I am like that. I feel I am that huge and disgusting. That is why I don't eat in front of people I HATE IT!!!
Sorry for this but I need to let it out before I cry at work. I will update later
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful
Danii

And the little girl thought she was perfect 'till he stop loving her...

Day 6:

IN:
1226
OUT:
761
NET:
465

Yes, I went over my calories by 126. I am not mad believe it or not. I was proud of myself for going to the gym and burning 761 calories. I knew I went over and I did something about it.
We ate pizza today so that is why I went over. We got thin crust and the slices were tiny YAY!! but still I should of just ate one tiny one instead of 3. But I had to eat because people were over and they tent to pay attention to every detail UGH!!
Anyways, I forgot to check my weight today and now I am just waiting till Monday to check. I want to lose at least 5 pounds by the end of this month.
I know it is going to take a while to get to my UGW but I just want to be thin already. I want perfect like I really do and it seems like it will never get there. I know I just have to keep following my new life style, work out and limit my calories. I am not giving up though because I really want this and I know it will not happen if I just sit on the couch doing nothing.
I felt so good while working out today because I usually don't work out on the weekends. The most I do is walk the dogs and/or do yoga. I love Yoga by the way.

A LITTLE HISTORY ABOUT ME:
I love love love Angelina Jolie. She is my favorite actress of all time. I have seen pretty much every single one of her movies. I love the one, with Johny Depp (He is my Favorite actor by the way), The Tourist. She looks so amazing in that movie. Me and the Bestie could not stop saying how thin and gorgeous she looked and how we wish we can be that tiny.
I also like Megan Fox, as a model and thinspo not as an actress. I don't think she is a good actress but that girl can take some amazing pictures. She is my thinspo. She is around my height and the way I want my body to look when I get to my UGW.

My dating life always sux. I think it is because I have never been comfortable with myself so I never really wanted to date. The few guys I did date sucked ass. The last one is the worse because he still to this day sends me stupid signals. One day he is into me the next he tells me he is in love with his girlfriend.
I am annoyed by him all the time but I can't seem to get myself to stop talking to him.
I also use to have a best best friend that we known each other since we were kids. I stop talking to her because she was always trying to be me and take everything that was mine. When I was extreme with my diet to a point where it was an ED, she started to say oh I am ana because I didn't eat yesterday. UMM bitch being ana is more than "not eating for one day" but she never understood and it drove me crazy. Oh she also tried to steal the last guy I dated. Yea what a good best friend.

Wow sorry for the long post. I just felt like sharing today :)
Much luv lovelies and stay strong
Danii

Very needed sleep...

Day 5 Cont.:

D: a few bites of Subway
Strawberries

IN:
930 CALORIES

WORKOUT:
Elliptical: 15 minutes
Treadmill-10% incline @ 4mph: 16mins
Bike: 14mins
Treadmill- 4% incline @ 4mph: 10

OUT:
620 calories
NET:
310 Calories

I got some much needed sleep last night. I went to bed around 8pm and just got up at 12pm this afternoon. I am feeling soooo much better to. My throat doesn't hurt anymore YAY!! and my head ache is going away.
After my little melt down over the food I ate, I was told we were going to subway. I just got a foot long but only ate a few bites. I made sure they were little bites to. I also had some strawberries, which made me feel better :)
I worked out like a mad woman yesterday. I wanted to burn the enchiladas and some extra. My friend was like wow you seriously want to burn that shit haha :) Only she (and all of you lovelies) understand me.
Thank you Zane. You always know how to make me feel better. And its true, it wasn't empty calories but something that is good for you.
Today I will be home pretty much all day. My mum is making dinner and I believe its some spaghetti with salad. I will be added twice the amount of salad than normal. Today is Day 6 and its 1100 calories. Wow that kinda seems a lot but I will try. I don't think I am use to eating that much. Even yesterday seemed like a lot. Today I don't think I will work out. I might do some yoga and walk my dogs.
Okay lovelies I will try my hardest to read everyone's blogs 'cause I miss them.
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful

Read the Labels B4 you eat....

I am sooooooo stupid. I honestly ALWAYS read the food label but for some reason I miss this one. I saw 240 calories for two yummy Amy's enchiladas. I was putting it on my food counter and OMG IT WAS 4fucken80 CALORIES!! 480 for two enchiladas. O my God I feel stupid. WHY the hell did I not check?
Just when I thought I would not let food control me, I let my hunger blind me. OMG I really am stupid. I can't believe I did that.
Day 5: 950 calories

B: Smoothie 
90 Calories 
Snack:Pita w/ tuna
Grapes
216 calories
L: Amy's Enchilada dinner 
480 calories 

So the total so far is 787. I am very mad right now because I thought I was doing good. I will be going to the gym in like 45 minutes. I am going to work out hard. I really feel dumb right now. I am so disappointed that I wanna cry. Everyone laughed at me when I got mad but I don't think it is funny. It was horrible, very. 
Okay I needed to let that out because I got mad and I didn't know what to do but just write it all in my Diary. 
I will be back later on today. I don't even wanna eat any more. I know I got some calories left but still I am done. UGH but I remembered my friends want to go out today and that usually means a buffet. God I hate buffets. I will just get salad. 
Much luv and stay beautiful
 

Baby loves to dance in the dark...

Day 4:
B: Strawberry and Banana smoothie
TOTAL: 240
S: Grapes
Rice Cake
TOTAL:113
L: Baked Beans
A bite of BBQ Beef Sandwich
TOTAL:140
D: Smart Ones Turkey
Smart Ones Dessert:
1/2 soup
5oz Sprite
TOTAL:997 calories

Work Out:
Treadmill 13 min mile
Bike 5 min mile
Elliptical 16 mins
TOTAL: -383

NET: 614 Calories. 

Today was the first day(this week) I ate a lot and not worked out that much. I only did a little work out because I was so sick I could barely get out of bed. I didn't do my morning work out and I was mad after class that I just did a little one.
I think I am going to do some belly dancing in a bit. For some reason I want to dance my azz off (literally). Okay so I just noticed I am so behind on my Cal 1 homework. EEKK! I am going to do it tomorrow. 
The plan is after work (12:30pm) I will go work out for an hour. Then I will go study and do some homework. Next I will work out another hour and then maybe study some more and then go home.
Everyone was telling me I look so tired. I am, very very tired. I only sleep 4 hours because I have bad insomnia and I am super sick. 
As I type this I am starting to fall asleep. Ugh should I do Belly Dancing? I really want to. Maybe some sit ups and pilates will be better. 
I still have not read any of my lovelies' blogs. I feel soooo bad not reading them. I feel like I am not in touch with everyone. I will take a moment of my time to do so tomorrow. At work I might be able to do that. 
Okay loves I will leave you with some flat bellies. OMG I been so obsess with them...
Much Luv and stay beautiful 

Working Out While Being Sick...

DAY 3:


IN: 
B: Apple

S: Hand full of popcorn

L: 1.5 flour tortilla w/ 2tbsp of beans and rice. Salsa and 1 tbsp of avocado (smash) 

D: Chicken w/ two bites of mash potatoes and mac and cheese. 

TOTAL: 900 Calories

OUT:

Treadmill: 15 minutes

Bike: 6 minutes

Elliptical: 15 minutes

Stair Climber: 5 minutes
TOTAL: -397


NET: 503 calories


I was a busy bee today again. It is only the 3rd day back from spring break and oh my God I am so busy. I was running around all day. I didn't take the elevator because I wanted to burn the extra calories. I was being super lazy with my work out. I have a good reason, I promise, I been feeling under the weather for a while but it really hit me today. 

I woke up with a very sore throat which sucks because I hate the feeling of my throat hurting. I was so close of not going to my morning work out but I got my lazy fat azz off my bed. hehe. 
Okay I don't know what is with me lately but I have been hearing people talk about weight lost, diets, ED, ect. Okay today someone from work was saying that the food we are eating (my lunch was free because of some work thing) is okay for a person on a diet as long as they don't eat the meat. (I was thinking OMG I am so not eating this shit. I ended up just having a small amount of it. It ended up being 325 calories for lunch.)
Okay back to the point, I said but what if you really want to be a size 2 as soon as possible. She said well we still gotta eat. I don't know why but that kinda made me feel like an ass. I can't explain it but it felt like they were making me feel bad (with out them knowing) about eating so little. I love eating very little. I love the power that I am having over food and over my life and I don't need anyone to tell me (or in a way not tell me specifically) that what I am doing is wrong. 
Okay my lovelies I am so sorry about that but I was holding to that ALLLL day. 

Well tomorrow is DAY 4 and I believe that its 1000 calories. I was thinking that that is a lot of calories. I will see if I even eat that much. I already have my meals plan and so far its like 500 calories. That includes Breakfast, snacks and Lunch. Usually dinner is around 300 calories. I might just stay there and see how it goes. Maybe have a fruit before bed time. We will see how tomorrow goes. 
@Zane hey luv. I am 5'4 1/2 last time I checked. I am short which is why I look like a fat ass (And yet ppl are on my azz because I want to lose weight). Ugh some people. lol. I hope you are doing great with your fast. 
@Aria hey to you to luv. Thank you for your kind words and motivation. People are probably are just jealous because they go to the gym for 15 minutes and eat whatever the hell they want and expect to lose weight. Please not gonna happen. :)
Okay lovelies I will leave you with this for today. I am tired and sick :( I need to get up early to do my work out so I might as well go to bed. I will catch up with every one's blogs tomorrow. 
Much Luv
Danii

Day 2...Dizzy on the gym floor...

Hello all my beauties. Today was such a busy day for me. I was in the process of making a post at work but too many people were around me and didn't give me the chance to finish it.
Okay I am kinda happy. I am now officially off the 160s WOO HOO!! I am 158.8 lbs as of today. I was hoping for a lot less but considering the fact that I was a binge queen half of spring break and no working out, I do not mind. I will lose another 2, at least, by Friday.
Anyways I did a gym work out with the bestie. She is an animal when it comes to working out. I love it because I push myself a lot more. I was super dizzy through out the work out. She thinks its because I don't drink enough water, which makes sense. We also worked out after our 4pm class. We went on a beach run and came back to the gym and did our work out. Man I was tired but it felt AMAZING.


8am till 9:15am workout: 


















Evening Work Out:

We also did Circuit training but I never count that as calorie burned. 
910 is the total all together burned. yay!!


Today the plan was to eat no more than 800 calories and I did it. 

B: 

• 3 bites of Cheerios w/ almond milk

• TOTAL: 50

S: 

• Special K Bar

• Rice Cake (only a few bits)

• Coke Zero

• TOTAL: 120

L: 

• Cheese  
• Quaker Tortillaz
• TOTAL:200

S:

• Special K bars
• Gum 
• Coke Zero
• TOTAL: 95 

D: 

• 3 Strawberries
• Steamed Veggies
• Feta cheese 
• less than half of pita bread
• steamed potatoes only two bites
• 1 tbsp hummus with Wheat Thins (10)
• TOTAL: 330

If my math is right the total was 795 for the day. Goal was no more than 800. 

Math time again:
IN:
795  
OUT:
-910












910-795=  -115 calories.

I have to say I am very happy. I didn't binge and enjoyed some yummy food. I am slowly but surely not letting food control me. I can now say thin taste so much better than any cookie. 
Oh well, some people say I am obsess with calories and working out. People have the nerve to say "Didn't you just work out this morning?"...Okay so what? and what is your point. I get really upset that people make it seem like its bad that I want to lose weight. People complain about obesity and how it is rising, yet I want to be skinny and its a bad thing. 
I am about to take a long shower and do some yoga before I go to bed. Oh and I am also going to catch up with all my lovelies blogs. I usually read them 2 or 4 times a day, I haven't read them at all :(
Much Luv and Stay Beautiful
Danii